Duck and cover

Watch out! It’s the latest Nolan Batman movie!!!

There’s a metaphor about the GFC, raspy indistinct voices, dull tonal palette and a countdown lasting approximately 160 minutes.

Helping the clock tick faster was Anne Hathaway, Joseph Gordon-Levitt (the likeable cop) and the very large Tom Hardy as kinky Darth Vader Bane.

Everyone else acted like they’d signed a three film contract eight years ago.

I can’t wait for the next Batman reboot.

Bang bang!

On the left, there’s the Man with No Name. On the right, there’s Mr Bohannon. You know the drill.

It’s high noon.

Two figures 50 yards apart.

A grimace here.

A squint there.

The rustle of a curtain.

The tumble of a tumble weed.

The twitch of a finger.

And then.

Bang bang!

One figure falls.

The other stands tall.

Which one?

Cry Koala cry

When I first watched Ugly Americans, my brain exploded, leaked out of my open mouth onto the floor and ran out the front door somewhere as far away from the TV as possible.

Now one and a half seasons in, I’m not so into it. The main characters haven’t changed or grown. They are still the same. And not enough time has been spent on the freakoids in the group. Or at least change the members of the group already.

Personally, I couldn’t care less if they all got eaten up by a random monster.

Except for Doug the Koala Man that is.

Maybe it’s because I’m Australian. Maybe it’s because I can’t express my deep inner sadness except through the safe reflections of a cute cartoon character. But whatever it is, I love Doug, his vulnerability and his ability to express it.

Here’s to Doug, the best koala ever.

Kungfu Fighting


Things sure have changed since the Tibetan  Airbender temples and inhabitants were destroyed by the evil and rampaging Chinese Firebender empire. The child  Dalai Lama monk Aang has been reincarnated into the bodacious ass-kicking form of Korra and everyone who is anyone has moved into a steam-punkish mash-up of Hong Kong and New York.

Am I the only one who misses the good old days?

By this, I am talking about Prince Zuko, Princess Azula and their uncle, disgraced General Iroh. Back then, the antagonists had story arcs that were as interesting if not more than the protagonists. Now, we have a cutout two-dimensional villain whose back story is poorly crammed into the final episode.

The potential for a sympathetic antagonist was there from the start. Normal people have every right to be resentful of Benders and their seeming monopoly of government. The fact that the city council is composed entirely of Bender representatives hints at a non-democratic system. More could have been done to make the Equalists a group of democracy seeking reformists.

But what did the writers do?

Four episodes of Gladiators and then a war that resembles a toy ad.

Smite! In the name of love!

My favourite AD&D character is the Paladin.

Why?

Because the Paladin has a double-O licence to kill issued by the Almighty himself. No sin, no blame! Plus you get a free pass on collateral damage if your heart is pure.

Why?

Because if you’ve structured your deal right, every soul harvested by your sword is sent straight to your God’s welcoming arms.

Plus you get to sing psalms, win every theological/philosophical argument with your sword arm and smile joyously as you round up heathens for mass convert-or-die ceremonies.

And you get to say with complete truth and conviction that you’re smiting for love!

Why True Blood why?

Given the never ending waves of undead storming our screens, I am feeling more and more like I am on the Night’s Watch standing on the Wall wondering where the fuck they all come from.

Surely the last fan has had their brains scooped out and sent to the hell of soap extravagansa Revenge by now.

But no, true to form the latest season of True Blood has just lurched out of the grave again and like any rotting corpse much of it stinks, some parts are remarkably well preserved and the whole thing still somehow exerts a sickening fascination.

Take Reverend Newland and the werewolf funeral for example. Surprisingly funny and surprisingly gross respectively. How is it possible that the writers can still stand their material enough to produce something new?

I dont know but winter has come and I have nothing else to do but keep watching and hope there are more good bits.

Zombies versus Terminators FTW

Ever since that dude ate the face off the other dude in broad daylight on the street, I’ve been taking zombies more seriously. So, I watched the first episode of “The Walking Dead” just in case it had any new tips on preparing for a zombie attack.

It didn’t. Plus it took itself so seriously. You know: people crying and carrying on as if it was the end of the world instead of running around having the time of their life blasting, chainsawing, fire-bombing, etc every zombie they see into giblets.

So I thought that given the TV show is a comic adaptation, they should go down the mighty monster mashup road of Aliens versus Predator which first came to life as a Dark Horse miniseries and introduce Terminators!

Why?

Because Terminators are programmed to only do the fun stuff (and deliver great one-liners). Plus you don’t need to actually hire actors who can act – just big dudes. Also, you could have a scene where zombies bite through the flesh casing and break their teeth on the metal endo-skeleton.

I know, right?

Dead people everywhere

I see dead people everywhere. Thing is .. I don’t know if they are dead.

Have you noticed how many dead blogs there are out there? You know what I mean – the blogger posts like clockwork from 2005 or 2006 or whenever to 2010 or 2011 and then suddenly stops.

And these blogs are not just boring ones talking about what they had for breakfast – these had a following, had an eco-system of commentators: trolls, fans and long-winded types.

All gone with no last post saying: “Goodbye, I’m doing everything by twitter now.”

Just dead silence.

What’s with that? Did they die just after they wrote that last post? Or the day after, or the week after? It really freaks me out.

And now, I’m seeing them everywhere.

I heart Magneto

Srsly if I was a mutant I would so join the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants although I’d want a name change to something less sexist and subtler like the Society for the Replacement Advancement of Humanity. I mean really you’d think Magneto commissioned some two bit comicbook writers to come up with his organisation’s name.

BTW I am talking about the Fassbender Magneto not the Gandalf Magneto although he was kinda cool too but Fassbender is way hotter.

Also, was Xavier a douche-bag or what? So there’s like a thousand missiles coming at them from the imperialistic military industrial complexes of the real villains and what does he do – he stops Magneto from blasting them all to kingdom come.

It’s pretty obvious that Professor X is the real villain.

Anyway, it was one of the better X-men movies, even if Wolverine wasn’t in it (except for the cameo which doesn’t count).

OMG! Chairman = God!

I didn’t want to but Phillip K Dick dropped by last night and made me watch “The Adjustment Bureau” .

Turns out, he’s a fan of Matt Damon or so he claims. Personally, I think that he just likes being famous and thinking about the money he would have made from the film options if he was still alive.

Not that I said that to his face, I have too much respect for the guy.

“But it’s got all those stupid doors in it, an entire romantic comedy sub-plot (without the comedy) and they changed the Old Man to the Chairman,” I complained instead.

“Don’t sweat the small stuff. That’s just window dressing. The core is good.” PKD said.

“Plus, you know, G. O. D. making sure the world goes according to plan: the biggest cliche you can have!”

“Well, that bit was actually mine.”

“Yeah, sorry. Maybe it was pretty new when you wrote it in 1954. But it kinda sucks now and probably did back then. I got to say it: not one of your best.”

That’s when PKD started going on and on about God and Jesus.

I had to kick him out. It was boring.